Look on the bright side

Even stronger..

Sat, 11 Dec 2004 19:15:34 GMT

Well, I abandoned you on this one. But [a loooong time ago] I moved, yet again. to Finding Rainbows, a Movable Type powered blog on my own server. :-)

Look at this cute thing, with the cute moods. I do have smilies at my new blog, though.

I need to tell you this, because I've decided to build a group of I'net blogger friends to make a circle of commenting. And when I comment on LiveJournal, my only link is to HERE. So, you guys, visit my new journal!

Pssssssst.. I really am SO STRONGER now than I was when I even made this journal. It's great. Life still continues to poke hot sticks at me, though. I deal. I whine and pout a little sometimes, but I am happy!

My therepist asks me how depressed I am on a scale from 0 - 10. Yesterday, I said 1. About a year ago, I said 7. :-)

Bravejournal

Sat, 14 Feb 2004 01:06:43 GMT

I moved my journal over to BraveJournal, it rocks.

Sparkleintherain's BraveJournal

Real College Girl

Wed, 28 Jan 2004 22:09:13 GMT

I started class up again last week. The first day I made a friend! I felt so happy and proud. "Newlyweds" was on the Tee-V in the school Café and this guy said to another guy that Jessica couldn't have been a virgin before she got married.

I spoke up and said "Yeah, but she's VERY christian."

And blah blah. He was friendly and then his not-so-friendly friend left and he came over and sat near me.

And then it turned out that he was taking my next class!

And then after class he asked if I needed a ride.

... ... ... ...

And school has been good. English Composition seems like it will be challenging but the professor is really nice. And the book with the essays that we read for homework is really great. So far the stories have been great, especially the last one; it was fabulous.

And Graphics Applications is easy and I get to learn Photoshop and play around, which is really cool. It's not challenging and there's no homework, there probably won't be any creativity involved. But it's cool.

Home, Crap Home

Sat, 03 Jan 2004 20:49:59 GMT

Well Radleigh's was awesome. It sucks to be home.

I don't want to get sad from talking about things but one thing that happened that's actually interesting:

Radleigh's mom was about to come and pick us up and we were waiting outside and he saw a ball and asked if I wanted to play catch. I said yes. After a bit of it, and it was fun, he threw a ball that came right for my face. It came too fast and I couldn't catch it; it hit me in the mouth. It bled and swelled up and a little later bruised. There are two cuts inside my lip from my teeth and I still have bruising. No damage to the teeth was done, thank god.

Radleigh was soooo sorry, he was all pouty and said I should be mad at him. It was cute. I like seeing how he cares about me. Ooh, I didn't want to get sad.

The whole time, almost, was just so great; the best. There were a couple of times when I got mad and Radleigh was all frustrated from his Lego. He has to finish Lego submissions for a contest. It caused him to act different and kind of short.

He's very thoughtful, though, like how he got me sparkly ribbon for my checked baggage. :-) And he's very gentle. :-)

We had a great time. Very close friends. Bestest friends.

I'm getting sad now. The rest is for my memories.

The word of the day a few days ago, I dunno when: Unfortunate

At Radleigh's...

Mon, 29 Dec 2003 02:57:23 GMT

Just wanted to say that I'm at Radleigh's. Stuff is goin' on but that's for me to know and you to find out. I'm going to get going in a bit but first..

Say hi, Radleigh.
Radleigh: Hey

The word of the day YESTERDAY: International Symbol
The word of the day today: Personable

Is someone back?

Thu, 25 Dec 2003 13:04:54 GMT

I've been seeing a lot of Live Journals and I'm thinking: Should I write?

Oh, but do I have something other to talk about than boys? Can I talk about girls?

It's Christmas Morning and I mean EARLY Morning and I just ate some of those Gross Freezer French Toast Sticks (like a half a sentence ago).

In two days I'm about to leave for Florida to Visit Radleigh. It's exciting.

Just months ago we were thinking about having sex and now we're Veritable Bro and Sis. It really is a thing. You'll have to take my word for it.

How am I doing with my feelings for him? Better, much better. I'm not back to where I was in April (isn't that a thing?) but I'm getting there!

That last guy I wrote about.............

........

........

Jesus Freak.

And I met two guys since then (met offline, you know I'm a Veritable Playa on the Online, Yo).

One of them... wants a more Cynical Girl. Good luck with that! (Hey, look, if Sarcasm counts, I'm more his type already.. but, no thanks)

The other one... was..n't..attra..cted...to....m....eeeeee????!!!!!!

Like WTF yo. Here is a picture of Mee.

With breasts from like here to the other here!

What was his problem, yo? Does he have a problem with Phat Chicks. Cuz, yo, I'm losing madd weight (ahem, shush) and he'll be SORRRR-YYYYYY in just a few short months! FO' REAL DAWG!

------

Have I met girls, you ask? HAVE I MET GIRLS?! ::Scoff::

::mumbles:: What are girls problems anyway?

Oh! Btw! HAPPY HOLIDAYS! TRIM ME, TRIM YOU!!

Word of the Day: Veritable (And I need to practice spelling consistancy)

Had a date...

Mon, 29 Sep 2003 18:43:12 GMT

So I met a guy and I liked him and he helped me fix two of my computer problems (not my scanner one tho, tho he tried)..

And we went out yesterday and it was good. He was fun and funny, very funny. Oh and he was cute and thinner than he looked in his picture. Cuter, too.

And it was sparky.

He held my hand and we had a LEETLE kiss. Hehe.

What drink am I?

Mon, 29 Sep 2003 18:31:32 GMT

Congratulations! You're a fuzzy navel!!

What Drink Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

Quiz Yay

Fri, 26 Sep 2003 02:02:25 GMT

-Perfect- You're the perfect girlfriend. Which
means you're rare or that you cheated :P You're
the kind of chick that can hang out with your
boyfriend's friends and be silly. You don't
care about presents or about going to fancy
places. Hell, just hang out. You're just happy
being around your boyfriend.

What Kind of Girlfriend Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

Sorry that I haven't written. I made a diary zine. And I stopped writing at all even in that cuz I was going to put out the issue but I haven't been able to finish it. I met a guy! I'll write another time. :-)

Stupid fight with Radleigh..

Sat, 06 Sep 2003 05:38:00 GMT

Radleigh and I just had the stupidest fight. It was horrible, and it’s not even over. He just cared about going to bed and claimed I just want him to stay up and keep talking (we talked for less than an hour today, yes, I got all sad and I did need a couple of minutes to deal, but that’s ALL). He knows I don’t like things being said like “Fine whatever” and he said it and I said. “I don’t like fine OR whatever.”

And you know what he said? “Fine whatever.” OK so HE started it, let the record show! He was probably pissed that I told him he shouldn’t copy my cutesy language for talking to me* but he won’t admit to it! Anyway so I laughed cuz I thought he was kidding, but he didn’t say he was kidding! GRR. He’s a fucking ass tonight GRR.

And we have this thing where we have to say goodnight and bye before we stop talking and he said, well here’s the bit of convo:

RadzSn (1:09:17 AM): No, I'm angry because you latch onto stypid little nothing things in order to kepp me from going to bed just cause you still want to talk
Sparkleintherain (1:09:56 AM): I don't think I did that.
RadzSn (1:11:25 AM): ok
RadzSn (1:14:39 AM): Well, goodngiht
Sparkleintherain (1:14:53 AM): sigh. rarr. night*.
Sparkleintherain (1:15:05 AM): we'll finish this tomorrow cuz it's not over.

Auto response from RadzSn (1:15:05 AM): Sleepless in Atlanta...

Grr, he put up his away message right after “Goodnight.” Now this may seem stupid to you but it’s our routine to have to say “Bye.” I once hung up the phone on him after just goodnight and let me tell you he remembered that the next day!

Weight Stats..

Wed, 03 Sep 2003 17:57:42 GMT

height: 4'11.25",
weight: 120.5 lb :-D,
chest: 35.5" -.5" :-(*,
waist: 31" -1" :-D,
hips/stomach: 36.5" -slightly :-|,
thigh: 32" -.5" :-)

*(don't want to lose my chest)

On the BoB front..

Wed, 03 Sep 2003 15:40:22 GMT

I called BoB on Saturday and he said he had given me space because I was mad. I told him that's not the way I work. He said he called 3 or 4 times, though. He said we can make plans to get together but I'll have to go up where he lives on the T and we'll need a couple of days ahead to plan.

After we got off the phone Radleigh said he was lying. I checked my caller I.D. and there he was. He had called on the 18th. But then I thought about it and thought that was the night we actually talked, after he got back from vacation. So I called his phone and left a message saying that he was a liar and he wasn't on my caller I.D.

He called me back a little while later, having not listened to the message and I told him what I said. He was upset. He said he wasn't a liar. We hung up but I called him back and said "I'm sorry, okay?"

But he said "It's not ok, I have to go, bye."

...

Then RIGHT after we hung up I looked on the calendar and it had been three weeks he had been back. So he had called me a few times that week, one being on the caller I.D., also the night of my orientation! So I wasn't home! I waited a little while then called to explain it to him. He said not to worry and that we'd talk later.

Since cable was out and I was on dial-up he couldn't get back to me for a while, a little phone tag, then we finally talked and everything's fine. He figured it was all because of Radleigh and he said I'm easily influenced, then changed his mind: "manipulated." Radleigh said that's not the right word, he wasn't trying to break up our friendship for his own "sinister goals."

He's very, very busy with work now and then there will be classes, for him, too. And when we talked things weren't quite the same, but I expect them to return to normal soon. I'm going to try to see him this weekend.

But you say you're just a friend..

Thu, 28 Aug 2003 05:58:17 GMT

Radleigh drove me kind of crazy today.

We've been talking about secret things, interesting things but our secret.

Anyhoo it's brought up a lot of crap and some fighting.

The other day we fought over how good he was sexually. I was insisting he was the best and he wouldn't believe it, oh it's probably just annoying to the outside listener, it was to me.

Anyway today he was sad that he didn't take a chance with the new Leggy Blonde. He said he's only been in love twice. All rubbing it in (that he didn't love me).

So I got pissy at him. And he didn't get it, I think he eventually did. But he's a guy and they are clueless about such things. Seriously with all his brain power and he can be that stupid.

So I was upset and he sends me a greeting through IM. It was really cute, a little froggy guy, all cheery and cutey, but...

"Just a friendly Hi!
...
From friendly I"

You see? I didn't need it rubbed in. With all my feelings that have come back and everything.

But he's so cute really and tries so hard to be good to me.

Therein lies the circle of my love and my pain. Of course there's wonderful friendship through all of it.

All of this (okay it's been sex stuff) sex stuff we've been talking about is making us a little bit even closer. I can say I'm going to poop now. And we share more. And stuff.. It's really wonderful.

Circle circle circle.

- - -
Btw I weighed myself today and it said 121.5! I actually can't believe it. I will post officially after I am weighed at the doctor's friday. (Don't get me started on my appointments being pushed back and my mom messing up the days!)

Why I am stronger..

Tue, 26 Aug 2003 02:39:16 GMT

I'm doing this periodically.

I am stronger because I control my anger better in fights. (I will write about that later, there's so much to the story)

I am stronger because I have gotten things going in my life, work and school and I am trying my best to take care of myself, ie: my weight loss.

(Today wasn't the strongest day, but overall.)

Measurements again

Tue, 26 Aug 2003 02:28:46 GMT

This is for tracking weight loss..

36-32-almost 37

and thigh = 32 1/2

We don't yet have a scale, should tomorrow.

Stuff this week beside the concert..

Sun, 24 Aug 2003 19:05:17 GMT

There are two things that I left out of this journal that I want to add.

A) I had volunteer orientation for working at the Quincy Animal Shelter tonight. There are so many things that I can do there, walk dogs, take care of sick doggies, help with their newsletter, work with fundraising events… AND ... ANNDD ... they want people to WRITE ARTICLES about them for NEWSPAPERS. Actual newspapers! I so want to do that! It would be soo good for me. I'm sure I would do a great job, too. I also want to help with their website but that wasn't on the list of jobs. :-\

After going through all the jobs they have for volunteers to do they took us on a tour of the actual shelter and we met the animals they currently have there. There was a hyper little Sammi; who ran herself would-be-dizzy-if-she-were-human in circles, played with her blanket and licked our hands, a year old Shepherd mix with half-flop-down ears who knew his "Sit" and got a little familiar with his blanket, a loner little Pomerian who hid in her little crate; quite sad, and a new arrival escape artist who was found running down the street with an electrical anti-bark collar, tied to a steak that had been in the ground.

I loved it! I am very excited to be working there. I will probably go twice a week for a few hours each. Walking the dogs, which I am sure to do, will be a great source of exercise for me, among who knows what other benefits there will be.

They will be calling me this week to set things up for when I go to work there. I hope my cable's up again tonight so I can be off dial-up! (I need my internet)

Let's see and the 2nd thing is school; I signed up for the beginning composition class that I have to take first. We need to borrow money from Nana. But I learned that the class starts next week. That's great. But I got a little scared. Scared that the work might be too much, really. But I'm sure I will do fine. Probably even great. It will be scary at first but once I know what's really up I'll probably be over that. (It's not really much to write about.)

Sad sad sad..

Sat, 23 Aug 2003 02:20:45 GMT

I started crying cuz it feels like I'll never find someone and never be married.

No one cares that I'm awesome. (Radlieigh supplied the awesome and I supplied the no one cares) He says they're too flawed to and that they don't deserve their own lives. (He's a bit extreme)

I also only have one true friend; Radleigh.

BoB's not anymore. Not that he can't ever be again. But he's not a true friend anymore, he's all disappeared. Bye ::Wave::

He should have called tonight I seriously do think. He's an asshole.

I w--oh I'm too depressed to go on...

Radleigh's really trying to help..

Aaand.. he's not..

I miss Radleigh..

Wed, 20 Aug 2003 05:24:46 GMT

I'm sad. I miss Radleigh. I get sad sometimes when I'm tired, it's stupid and weird. But anyway, I was thinking that life is mean and unfair to keep us apart like this. And we're so good together as friends, which makes it really frustrating. And he's so damn good to me. :-( Sigh. I'm sad and I miss him and I wish we could be together. And why has it come back to this?

Just ‘cause I don't love BoB anymore. Nope I can't just be single without feelings. I have to then realize I'm still in love with Radleigh.

Ani DiFranco concert!

Wed, 20 Aug 2003 04:14:46 GMT

I haven't been writing in this LJ lately, I've been writing in my journal book a lot, though..

I had my Ani DiFranco concert tonight. She was awesome, it was better than Christina, which was also awesome. She did my favorite song, Swan Dive, it was so good, I was so .. happy and weird and I almost felt like crying. I'm a goof. Anyway. She's so funny! And she's tiny! I could see her well, except for when lots of people stood. It was at the Music Circus and ever seat there was really close. The stage rotated around, the place was in a circle...

I came home and Radleigh wasn't online, which means his computer isn't hooked up yet at his dorm. He left for Atlanta (grad school) last Sunday and he started classes yesterday and tonight's his first night sleeping in his dorm-apartment-thing. So anyway I called him and his phone was off, so he had gone to sleep.

So I've been a bit bummed from that. See, Radleigh kind of made this big deal out of talking to me tonight, sort of. Last night I said "So I don't know if I'll talk to you tomorrow" and he made this big plan.. if he's online then IM him and if he has an away message then he's gone to sleep.. if he's not online that means his computer isn't set up yet so I should call him.. and if voice mail picks right up then he's gone to sleep.

So I got voice mail so he was asleep.

And it was only 11:09. :-\ Oh well.

So then I didn't know what to do.. not sleep of course.. no one really online to talk to..

More updates.. BoB still hasn't called me. Still no explanation for when he was online then just stopped talking to me but stayed online a while. Tres rude.

Oh and.. I love Radleigh. ;D

He's so good to me. .. Anyway..

I was talking to Brian and whoopsy mentioned Radleigh some more, I talk about him a lot. So he said "You're totally in love with him still, whether you think it's true or not it is." I didn't argue, I know I am.. well I didn't think I *totally* was? Nah, not totally. :D

... sits quiet a while ...

It would be totally hard not to be..

... I've been struggling with why guys are so poopy, they really suck.

But now I feel like I must say "But not Radleigh.." but see I can't date Radleigh, so that's just not fair! Heh.

Ok I think I'm done.

Which Semese Street Muppet's Dark Secret Are You?

Thu, 14 Aug 2003 23:47:08 GMT

I was hoping for Bert & Ernie's Gay Love Affair, but I am...

Grover on Ecstasy

You're funny, you're loveable, you're entertaining,
you like to call yourself "Super
Grover!"--You're obviously on ecstasy.
But that's why we love you. Be careful, ok?

Which Sesame Street Muppet's Dark Secret Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

I'm over you

Thu, 14 Aug 2003 02:11:53 GMT

Well I'm over BoB. I know it. It's good. But it didn't feel all that good. Cuz I don't like him much right now, he's being a total poop (yes, he got upgraded)!

Anyway we were singing a song tonight, with love in it. And I thought that I miss being in love. So there, I know I'm not in love anymore. I don't have that feeling. And there's a certain happiness that comes with it, too.

I am utterly single. But it's ok.

That's the first step to finding someone, right? Maybe? Heh. :-D

Yeah, I was down, but I'm all cheered up from talking to Radleigh. :-D

To BoB or not to BoB, that is my question..

Tue, 12 Aug 2003 02:56:58 GMT

So I called BoB after dinner, he was walking his dog. He called me back a little while later. He said he didn’t have time to call me. He was being kind of a poop. It didn’t help my mood.
I told Radleigh about it and he insists I not be friends with him. He said he doesn’t treat me right. He said he thinks he can get away with treating me however he likes and that I’ll still be his friend. He said he didn’t actually want to call me or he would have. He said he will only see me when it’s convenient for him and that he’ll only call me when he has nothing better to do.
He may be right.
He says I should just not be friendly with him when he calls and not see him anymore and get him out of my mind. That will be very hard to do. He said if I tell him I don’t want to be friends he will just try to convince me otherwise and then not treat me any better.
I don’t know.

After I talked to Radleigh I read a zine that got me depressed over my weight/losing weight. I'd rather not to more into it and risk feeling worse.

Oh, PS. No sign of his plan to make up for it. The ass. I shall implement Radleigh's plan.. as best I can.

SCREAMS LIKE A MONKEY

Mon, 11 Aug 2003 02:09:10 GMT

::HAS A FIT AND SCREAMS LIKE A MONKEY:: OMG I'M SOOO HAPPY. I almost cried. I saw this in another zine about my own zine:

It's a zine all about pop music. News and articles written so well, by the
editor herself and good pictures to boot, you need this (linked) gem of a zine.
And it doesn't hurt that they linked The Petition (linked) as well.

I can't even really tell you how happy I was. But I got the same feeling in my chest as when I'm really in love. Heh. And I freaked out.. and screamed..

Owww!

Sun, 10 Aug 2003 05:52:31 GMT

I'm in so much pain. And I can't sit still. That means I probably can't get a tattoo. :-( Actually, I've been trying to stay still and I'm doing better at it. I'm in so much pain and I'm not even getting a damn tattoo out of it. Probably the same amount of pain, too.

(You don't want to know why)

Biphobia sucks...

Sun, 10 Aug 2003 04:04:13 GMT

I'm sad. Many gay women don't like bisexuals cuz they fear they will leave them for men. And I'm sure a ton of lesbians and bisexual women don't want to date a girl with no girl-experience.. either cuz they fear she's not really bisexual at all or that she'll be inexperienced in bed (which I will be). Sad sad sad. At this rate I'll never be with a woman.

And I can't meet women. I try. I go on the dating sites. There's not much action going on there. I met one seemingly good girl on there, who seemed to be interested at first, cuz she said I was her ideal match from reading my profile, but then she just didn't talk to me! I was baffled. I stopped trying to talk to her eventually. Even when she IM'd me once, she said like nothing after that.

Meeting them offline? How do I know if they're bi or gay? I would never. I've never even met a guy offline and then dated him! And I've had some luck with guys since high school.

And I got excited when I read about PlanetOut's Hurry Dating. But there aren't any for women in Boston in August. There aren't even any for men/women for under 25! And NONE for women? That's fucked up.

So, sigh.